Well. I’m really getting into this whole bloggging thing. Bought a .com and everything! And, oddly, have decided on a slight name change–to the No Drama Mama. Better now than in a year, right?
Please join me at the new site, www.thenodramamama.com! There’s a new Monday post there and everything.
Still trying to figure out Facebook. Good thing I have Mr. A!
In honor of the super nasty weather we have been having all week here in D.C., this week’s outfits are all about rain.
Hunter boots for children! So cute I almost died. The bright colors are perfect for cheering up a dreary day.
I don’t usually like matchy outfits. But this pattern is adorable.
What about you? What do your kids wear on rainy days?
I am a morning person. By this I mean that I can get up early and function reasonably well and quickly. Therefore, I am a morning person, but an enraged, homicidal morning person. You see, Mr. A is not a morning person. This one little thing may well be the downfall of our marriage because we commute together, which means I am late every.single.day.
This morning was no different. I get up at 5:30 am, realize I don’t have any clean pants, and quickly shave my legs. At 5:40 I tell Mr. A to get up. I remind him that I had been late every day for the past two weeks, and it was not going to happen again.
At 5:53, Mr. A slithers out of bed. By this point I am fully dressed, hair and makeup included. I wake up Miss L. Miss L hates waking up this early. I put her on the changing table for a diaper change, but she roles over to go back to sleep. When I turn her back around, she bursts into tears. I feel awful.
At 6:05, Miss L is in a clean diaper and dressed. I go back to the bedroom. Mr. A is sitting on the bed, staring at a sock in his hand.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
“I don’t know,” he says.
I resist killing him, but barely. “Hurry the fuck up,” I tell him.
I take Miss L downstairs for breakfast. While she is eating her Cheerios, I put together a lunchbag with an afternoon snack for the trip home, feed the dog, and put random dishes in the dishwasher.
It is now 6:20. I run up the stairs, pound on the bathroom door. “We have to leave in ten minutes! Hurry the fuck up!” I yell.
I run back downstairs. Miss L has taken off her shoes. “You have to wear shoes to go to school,” I tell her. “Sit down so I can put your shoes on.”
“I will not sit down,” Miss L says. “I’m poopy.”
I sink down onto the chair and bury my head in my hands. I am completely overwhelmed.
Miss L pats me on the arm gently, concern on her face. “It’s ok, Mommy. I go tell Daddy to hurry the fuck up.”
Over the weekend I recieved the following email:
Hi No Drama Momma!
You’re a lawyer, so I was wondering if I could get your take on something. My parents are, at least in some ways, good people. My father is an alcoholic, and my mother can never say no to him (i.e., driving!). I don’t trust my dad to stay sober or at least not drive drunk, so I don’t let them see my three children without me around. Now they want to have the kids visit for a weekend, without me. I said no, but they say they have a legal right to see their grandkids. Is that true?
Anonymous
Before I say anything else, I want to make it clear that while I am a practicing lawyer, family law is not my specialty. Furthermore, family law is under state jurisdiction, and each state has different laws. That being said, Anonymous happened to ask a question that is a matter of federal law, not state, and I can answer it. Yay! 🙂
The Supreme Court
In most situations, grandparents do not have visitation rights. Nearly every state has a statute that allows grandparents to petition the court for the right to visit the grandchildren. However, in Troxel v. Granville, the Supreme Court of the United States held that state courts considering non-parent visitation petitions must apply “a presumption that fit parents act in the best interests of their children.” Troxel requires state courts to give “special weight” to a fit parent’s decision to deny non-parent visitation. This is because “the interest of parents in the care, custody and control of their children–is perhaps the oldest of the fundamental liberty interests recognized by this Court.” The deference provided to the parent will only be overcome by some compelling governmental interest and overwhelmingly clear factual circumstances supporting that governmental interest.
That does not seem to be the case here. I think it’s safe to say your kids won’t be forced to spend the night with Grandma and Grandpa.
Kudos to you, Anonymous, for allowing the grandparents to see the children at all. Some people would just cut ties, but you seem to have found a solution that works–especially now that you can tell your parents this isn’t a case they can win. Good luck to you.
A new article is getting a lot of press. If you haven’t seen it yet, read it here: “Parenting Got You Down? You’re Not Alone.” When it came out last week, suddenly a whole lot of voices chimed in to gratefully agree. Here’s a highlight:
“People don’t talk about this enough. It’s really hard, being a parent. At times, it’s crushing. But you’re never allowed to say this.”
Really? Raise your hand if no one told you being a parent was going to be mind-blowingly, life-alteringly hard. When I was pregnant, those who had already been through the experience took great delight in telling me just how awful things could get. (How wonderful it could also be was occasionally added as a side note.)
In the past few years, this has become more than socially acceptable–admitting how hard parenting is has actually become something of a trend. First there are the blogs (brilliant, I love them) like Scary Mommy and The Meanest Mom. Then there was the study discussed in Time Magazine called “Kid Crazy: Why We Exaggerate the Joys of Parenthood.” And the infamous New York Magazine article “I Love My Children, I Hate My Life.” All this has spilled over into life in general–I myself am deeply suspicious of any mom who doesn’t complain about parenthood at least three times a week. What drugs is she on, and where can I get some?
What I’m trying to say is that if you still don’t feel free to admit how hard parenting really is at this point, you have deep issues that can probably only be solved on a psychiatrist’s couch.
I’m also trying to say that I’m really, really tired of hearing how hard it is. You can only beat a dead horse for so long before the inevitable backlash.
And here it is! Just to be contrary, here are five reasons parenting DOESN’T suck.
1. You probably won’t miss your old life very much. This is mostly because your old life was pretty boring. What did you really do, anyway? If you did anything interesting before kids, and it actually mattered, you will continue doing it after kids, even if it has to wait a year or two. Having kids does not change who you are.
2. You get to shop, shop, shop. Oh, my god, this is the best. Almost as good as shopping for myself (almost). Every season Miss L gets a whole new wardrobe. Why? Because nothing fits! Nothing compares to that first year. Seriously, when else can you drop hundreds of dollars on furniture, clothes, toys, and other necessities while feeling absolutely no guilt? Brilliant!
3. You get a second chance at childhood. Yeah, I know this one is a bit of a cliche. But it’s totally true. Watching your child experience something for the first time is like experiencing it for the first time yourself. It’s amazing how incredible shadows, ceilings, and grass suddenly become.
4. You get a new favorite person. Your child is going to be your absolute most favorite person in the whole world. Now that she’s here, life would completely suck if she weren’t around.
5. The hormones are amazing. Consider this: Your two year old is being the biggest brat ever. Right before you wring her scrawny neck, she suddenly grins at you, plants a kiss right on the mouth, and whispers, “I love you, Mommy.” Swoon. This is nature’s way of keeping children alive–if it weren’t for the love hormone surging through your veins, those little monsters would not be long for this world. Check out this funny article on the subject. And for those of you for whom hormones are a bitch instead of wonderful (as in, postpartum depression), at least the drugs have gotten pretty good, and the good hormones come later, I swear.
To end this mushy post, here’s Miss L discovering the joy of bubbles. I can’t believe I haven’t played with bubbles in 30 years–how could I forget how awesome they are?!
Labor Day is the one last hurrah of summer before fall. Yes, I know fall doesn’t officially start until September 23, but please–summer ends with school. These outfits are perfect for a family barbecue or a picnic. The nights are getting cooler already–don’t forget a cardigan or hoodie!
Miss L had these Keds early this summer and loved them. Alas, her feet grew and we are now on to yet another pair of sneakers.
There’s been a lot of debate surrounding co-sleeping for, I don’t know, the last decade or so? If you want to see some of the highlights, try Dr. Sears for the pro-co-sleeping arguments. If you want anti-co-sleeping arguments, there are several books that discuss it, and plenty of arguments on forums, but since I pretty much don’t care one way or the other, I don’t know where to point you.
That’s right. I. Don’t. Care. Do whatever works for you. For me, Miss L slept in our bed for the first week. Then I moved her to a bassinet right next to me. She stayed there until she was seven months old, when she moved to her crib without any problems, because she no longer wanted to nurse during the night. Other people put the baby in the crib from the beginning, and others co-sleep until toddlerhood. It’s all good. I seriously doubt either method, or anything in between, will have a lasting affect on a child. (I don’t feel the same about crying it out, which often gets entangled with co-sleeping issues, so let’s keep it separate here.)
This co-sleeper is similar to what we used with Miss L.
Here’s what I don’t get: Why do people continue one sleep method or another when it just isn’t working for the whole family? Why take it to such extremes? For example, if your baby wakes up every hour, and you aren’t getting any sleep, why are you schlepping down the hall when you could just roll over and pick up your baby? Or, what seems to be pretty common judging from some forums I’ve seen, why are you sharing your bed with your two-year-old every night while your husband sleeps in a separate room and is pretty unhappy about it? This mystifies me.
It boils down to the pressure parents put on themselves to be perfect. If you don’t put your child in his own bed immediately, he is doomed to sleep in your bed as a teenager, and will never learn independence or self-reliance. If your baby sleeps in his own crib, he will have abandonment issues that will prevent him from ever having a healthy relationship.
Bullshit.
Stop demanding perfection from yourself, kick the drama to the curb, and do whatever keeps you sane, healthy, and as rested as possible. This doesn’t sacrifice your baby’s needs, and it doesn’t sacrifice your spouse, either. If your sleeping arrangement is causing serious tension and stress in the mother, father, or baby, then it’s just not working, and it’s not healthy for your family, no matter what any expert tells you about the “right” way to sleep. Rules are for people who lack enough imagination to come up with a solution on their own.
Miss L is really into trains. I’m not sure if this is because I like trains, but never got to play with them as a child, and so pushed them on her, or because they are just really awesome. Either way, she loves trains. We have been buying the Thomas Wooden Railway piece by piece (because, quite frankly, we can’t afford to buy all the trains and the table and railroad at one time).
Annie and Clarabel.
Last night Mr. A came home with a set of two trains that he had found on sale: Annie and Clarabel. These are special trains. They are passenger cars that face each other when attached, rather than front to back, so that they can talk to each other. Because of the way the magnets are attached, they cannot both face forward. Clarabel must always go backwards, no matter who she is attached to.
Miss L, bless her heart, tried her darnedest to make Clarabel face forward. We told her to turn it around so Clarabel could face her friend Annie. They want to talk to each other, we told her. Miss L would have none of it. Miss L sobbed as though Elmo had died. Trains face forward. Clarabel would not face forward. Therefore Clarabel must be banished.
And banished she was, to the other side of the room. Clarabel was not allowed on the train tracks, Miss L very firmly told her daddy.
Poor Clarabel.
This isn’t the first time Miss L has shown a strong tendency to create rules and demand strict adherence to them. Her intense focus on lines, stacks, colors, and other patterns has concerned us at times. The pediatrician assures us that two-year-olds sometimes do things that would be considered crazy in an adult, and not to worry. But sometimes I wonder: Can a toddler be OCD? And if so, will she grow out of it? I guess only time will tell.
Anyone have any experience with this?
Holly at Parenting.com interviewed Adam Mansbach, the author of Go the F*k to Sleep. Read the interview here. Interesting, right?
“My partner is Swedish, and though she loved the book, at first the Swedish community didn’t get it at all. They even expressed concern about my mental health! Since then, we’ve settled our differences, translated the book into Swedish and it’s been well-received there. Some cultures really understood and embraced the book while others weren’t so keen on the idea.”
Hmmm. So the Swedes didn’t “get it” at first? I wonder why… Did they notice the tone
of desperation in the story? The rage? The helplessness? Do the Swedes not feel the same way?
Well, no. No, they don’t feel the same desperation, rage, and helplessness that American parents feel. Their culture, while not perfect, has made great strides in creating a society where both men and women can be happy and productive in the workplace and at home. They don’t have to chose one at the expense of the other.
It starts with parental leave. This is not maternity leave, which they did away with a few decades ago in favor of a more egalitarian system. With parental leave, parents are entitled to 480 days of paid leave per child, with 60 days reserved exclusively for the father and 60 reserved for the mother. Fathers also get an additional 10 days of leave when the child is born. The 480 days can be taken at any time up until the child turns eight years old. In addition to their very generous parental leave system, preschool is highly subsidized in Sweden, and children are eligible at 12 months. I’ll take that! Here in DC, the average decent preschool is $1400 a month. That’s more than a mortgage in some states.
So that might help to answer the question of why Swedish parents aren’t quite so angsty. But the real question remains: Why are American parents so miserable?
Part of it, of course, is that we don’t get the same benefits. The U.S. does not have paid maternity leave, although some jobs do offer it even though they are not required to. We do not have subsidized daycare. I know of a handful of parents where one spouse’s paycheck pays for daycare and nothing else.
But the U.S. also seems to have an issue with the fairness of it all. Not everyone wants children, or is even biologically able to have them. Why should parents get paid time off, while non-parents have to get up and go to work every morning? And shouldn’t someone who sacrifices family, friends, and life for his job get farther ahead faster than someone who takes a year and a half off every time he has a child, plus all those days when the child is sick?
My answer? No. And yes.
1) The child benefits most of all from this time with a devoted caregiver rather than being in a daycare during the first year. A mother is more likely to breastfeed if she isn’t working during the first year, which is healthier for the child. The leave reserved for fathers helps create equality in the home–this kind of beginning helps the father to play a more active role throughout childhood.
2) Parents should have parental leave because it benefits society as a whole, not just the parents (although the benefits to the parents are obvious). If you make a person chose between having a career and having a child, eventually the human race will go downhill. Ever seen Idiocracy? Yeah, something like that. Give people options and the human race continues.
3) Maybe it won’t be like Idiocracy. Maybe corporations, law firms, etc will lose some of the best and brightest employees when they tap out of the rat race to have children instead of shackling themselves with golden handcuffs. I see this brain-leak happen every day. That’s the thing about most people–they have so much to offer. They aren’t just parents, and they aren’t just employees. People are multifaceted, so why is society trying to shoehorn everyone into just one thing? Why do we have to be a good employee or a good parent? With a little help, we can do both. Productive parents and productive employees both benefit society as a whole.
4) If a person gives up everything for their job, then yes, they likely will go further with their careers than most people, regardless of whether they are parents or not. I’m ok with that. I would rather have a life. Even if I didn’t have children, I wouldn’t devote my life to my career. There would still be people I love, and things I love to do. I would still want to travel. I probably won’t get as far in my career as someone who forgoes vacations. Oh, well. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have ambition, and it doesn’t mean that we should have to sacrifice a satisfying career for children, or vice versa.
What do you think? Should parents get paid leave, or is it completely unfair?
It’s been a long week. I could have written a deep, informative, hard-hitting analysis of some parenting issue or other, but honestly I just didn’t feel like it. So I went shopping instead! 🙂
I know it’s still 90 degrees outside, but I just love fall clothes. It’s never to early to prepare! I created an outfit for both girls and boys, which was fun because I never get to shop for boy’s clothes.
When I saw the flannel over a white shirt, I was taken straight back to 1995! How could I resist? And as for the purple Chucks, it was like they were reading my mind. Miss L loves purple, so those are definitely coming home with us!
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